Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Types of Guys

I think every girl is naturally attracted to a certain "type" of guy. But being open-minded is always good. Dating outside your usual type is like trying out a new style of clothing, you put it on for a bit, see how it makes you feel. These are the types of guys I've sampled:

The alternative musician...he used play guitar for me and sing. When he moved away to Boston, he made me a goodbye videotape (old school VHS style) of himself playing our favorite songs. Actually another guy I dated was the lead singer in a band. I didn't have the heart to tell him I thought his singing voice sounded nasally.

The athlete...my college boyfriend played rugby and was a wrestler. Not the smartest cookie in the jar but he was a sweet, sensitive guy so not a completely stereotypical jock. He also counts as: The military guy 

The free spirit...after I moved home from Chicago post-college, I started dating an old high school classmate. We couldn't have been more different. I was entirely focused on starting a career, he earned cash by painting people's house numbers on their curb and spent his days painting and reading. 

The older man...already talked about him.

The sports junkie...I had a boyfriend who put the FAN in fanatic. He was obsessed with all sports. The TV was always tuned to Cold Pizza in the mornings. He woke up in the middle of the night to watch Tour de France. He had 2 fantasy football teams. When his college football team lost, he would mope around the apartment for a week. 

The foreigner...Scottish Guy – he's a topic for another time.

The youngster...when I was 31, I went on a couple dates with a boy 10 years younger. He was a bartender/waiter at the steak house a couple doors down from my apartment. He talked a lot about how much he loved getting wasted.

The male cheerleader...hey, it was college. His party trick was lifting girls above his head with one arm. His forearms were like hams. He told me once that he had to get his college roommate to fold his shirt collars down for him when he got dressed because his large forearms meant he couldn't bend his arms enough to reach behind his neck.

The coworker...happened twice. First time ended smoothly when the guy moved out of state. The second time exploded in my face spectacularly. Never again.

The friend turned love interest...I discovered first hand that sex does indeed ruin a friendship.

The alcoholic...his drinking problem revealed itself slowly. Everyone is capable of drinking too much on occasion. But string too many of those occasions together in a severely consistent manner and you've got an alcoholic on your hands. The depth of his alcoholism didn't fully come to light until after we broke up. I was cleaning my kitchen one day when I found what used to be a full bottle of rum now empty in the cabinet. It was half full when I'd pulled it out to make a rum cake a few months prior. He was clearly sneaking swigs while I wasn't looking. 

Monday, November 26, 2012

The First Heartbreak

You can't easily forget the first time you truly get your heart trampled. I was in the Redneck Riviera when it happened to me. 

I was visiting my boyfriend of 4 years in Pensacola, where he was training as a Marine to be a jet pilot. We dated through most of college – after graduation I moved home to SF and he began a long training path to becoming Maverick (or Goose more like, since he was blonde).

We were technically seeing other people, since he said he didn't want to date long distance. But I made him assure me many times that after his basic flight training, after his obligatory 6 months on an aircraft carrier, after he was finally stationed somewhere for a longer stretch of time, that we would be together again. Riiiight. I was oblivious to the fact that I had my head up my ass with love. 

College BF picked me up from the Pensacola airport and I sensed immediately that he was on edge. We had seen each other only one time in the year since graduation, due to his training schedule. In the car, pulling out of the airport parking lot:

Me: Ok, what is going on? Why are you being so weird?
BF: Well, I just don't think we're meant to be together.

I thought, but didn't say aloud, could you not have told me this BEFORE I took a cross-country flight to come visit you?! 

Me: Then why am I even here?
BF: I thought you were visiting as a friend...I'm actually dating someone in DC right now.
Me: So it's not that you didn't want to date long distance...it's that you didn't want to date ME long distance. Or at all.

After we arrived at his apartment (in a building that looked and felt like a converted Motel 6), College BF spent the entire evening on the phone with his new girlfriend, calming her down because she was upset that I was visiting. 

Dude, do you wanna deal with the fucking issue at hand first?

I booked a flight home the next day. Heartbreak day 1 and I spent most of it crying on a plane with my forehead mashed into the window, failing to muffle my sobs for the sake of those seated near me. 

And yes, I did check out the new girlfriend online after I got home. Unfortunately she wasn't completely fug. Not that it would've made much of a difference, but it would've helped a sliver.

A year or so later, I did eventually get over College BF. And I learned that you should never stay in a relationship past its due to try and avoid hurting the other person. Because it actually does much more damage in the long run.

Actually A Put Down (Not A Pick Up)

I was walking home from Bart after work the other day when I accidentally made eye contact with a scruffy middle-aged guy passing by. He stared me down and said "you are a WHORE." He practically spit the words at my face.

My first reaction was to look down and evaluate what I was wearing. Jeans and a crewneck sweater. Hardly slutwear. 

My second thought was to ask him "why? what have you heard?" 

Sunday, November 11, 2012

The Next Girl

Have you ever run into an ex with their next girlfriend/boyfriend, the person you've been replaced by? I always dread those run-ins. There are only 2 ways it can go: the new gf/bf is stunning and you feel like a pile of shit that's been stepped in or THIS delightfulness can happen...

I dated JJ for about 4 months, the relationship went fast and furious before collapsing in on itself spectacularly. I realized post-break-up that he was a serial dater, and an alcoholic...actually I saw signs of both early on but stupidly ignored them. Despite his issues, I was pretty upset when things ended.

About 3 months after split, I was at SFO waiting for Bart back into the city when I spotted JJ on the platform...with a girl...and she was NOT cute. Fuck yeah! She had dyed red hair and a weird face, and...just not cute.

I walked over to say hello, because why the hell not when the new girl is unattractive. JJ and I chatted about where we were returning from (they were in Chicago for Not Cute Girl's friend's wedding, I was coming back from a business slash personal trip to Atlanta) and he forgot to introduce me. So I introduced myself to the girl, reaching to shake her hand. She gave me a weak handshake (I can't stand a weak handshake, the least you can do is put some grip into it!) which cemented my opinion that she sucked.

The train arrived so I said "SO nice to meet you" to Not Cute Girl  and "see you around" to JJ, then boarded a car further down the platform. I spent the Bart ride home finding a picture of the girl online to send to my friends (I found her full name through his Facebook friend list, then Googled her for an image...the internet is AHmazing!).

Not 2 minutes after I texted my friend, he sent back a picture of Eric Stoltz's character in The Mask saying "she totally looks like this...YOU WIN!" 

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Sample of an Online Profile DON'T

Here's part of the profile of one guy who winked at me online:

"Please give me a chance. Our love was a romantic book from the sacred day we met, your gentle charm enthralled me, from then on the scene was set: a sunny day, a rainy day, it mattered not to me..."

First of all, it doesn't bode well if you have to start off by begging for a chance.

Secondly...just NO. No no no no.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

How to Creep a Girl Out

Sipping cheap wine at a fundraiser mixer, I was explaining to my friend Sam that I've heard over the years I don't look very approachable, that I should smile more because my neutral face looks quite serious. Well, that's my face people, not much I can do about it and I hardly think walking around with a perma-grin is going to solve anything!

In any case, I was talking to Sam about my serious face when a guy that looked like a creepy David Duchovny with slicked back hair (why do guys think that's ok?!) sidled into our conversation. He moved entirely too close to me and said "yeah, I was gonna ask you 'why so serious?'" just like Heath Ledger's The Joker character in The Dark Night, which was in theaters at the time.

Now, fellas, if you want to creep a girl out, by all means, slick back your hair and quote a psychopathic, mass murdering clown from a movie as your opener. If not, then maybe lay off the hair gel and find a normal way to join the conversation, something more along the lines of "hello." Just something to think about. :)

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Match Redux (Part 3)

I found a guy on Match with photos of him and his Australian Shepherd. A dog lover! I emailed and suggested we take our dogs for a walk sometime. He was fairly new to SF so I mentioned Land's End for the spectacular views and scenery. 

Being chronically early to everything, I arrived at least 15 minutes before we planned to meet at 10am on a beautiful, clear Sunday morning. I checked my phone as I got out of the car and read a text from the guy saying his morning was running behind, could we make it 10:30am. I had to drive almost 30 minutes across town to get to Land's End and dude couldn't give me a little more of a heads-up?

Meanwhile, my dog was raring to go, whining, looking down the trail and back up at me, head tilted as if to say, why aren't we walking yet? Why are we still in the parking lot? Not wanting to waste any more of the beautiful weather waiting, I texted the guy back.

Me:  Already here. Going to start walking now, maybe we should just pick another time. Dude:  Jumping in car now, 20 minutes away. 

At this point, I'd already started down the trail.

Me:  Honestly we've already started walking so why don't we reschedule.
Dude:  Um, I'm not sure I'm understanding.

What part of "don't bother coming, I don't want to fucking wait around" do you not understand??! I had nothing nice to say so I ignored his message. But clearly Late Guy couldn't leave it be. He called me so I had to explain over the phone:

Me:  Listen, I don't want to be rude but we're already walking and I didn't exactly want to wait around. We're going to the end and back so if you're still on your way, I'll just cross paths with you after we turn around.

Close to the end of the trail, Late Guy texted he'd arrived.

Me:   We're almost at end turning around soon. 
Dude:  How far away exactly? Like how many minutes? I'm in the parking lot.

Fucking A, are you shitting me?! He was the one who was super late, and I told him not to come, but he showed up anyway and was demanding to know how long I was going to keep him waiting?

The dog and I reached the parking lot about 40 minutes later (I took a leisurely pace the entire walk). I found Late Guy waiting alone.

Me:  Where's your dog?
Late Guy:  Oh, the one in my profile pics? She's my dog that lives with my parents in San Diego.

So you agreed to "walk the dogs" and don't even have one?! 

Me:  Well, I need to get going now. Sorry, I tried to save you the drive out here.
Late Guy:  Yeah, sorry I was a little late. Some family issues....blah blah blah (I started tuning out to the excuses and more or less got in the car as he was still talking)
Me:  Okay, bye.